My problem? I'm d.o.n.e. with HAPPY. Especially as it relates to marriages as in: happily ever after.
I'm almost 40. Therefore, many of the marriages of my friends are failing. This kills me. Really. Why? Well, I understand bailing on a marriage for infidelity, abuse, and any other circumstance which puts a person physically in danger or to the point of mental exhaustion.
I think Lynn Anderson sang this quite well: "I beg your pardon--I never promised you a rose garden--along with the sunshine--there's gotta be a little rain sometime. "
In the weddings I've gone to, none of the vows have ever stated: "I will make you happy." We promise to love and honor, perhaps even to obey, but never to make the other person happy. Happy? I spit on you and grind you into the dirt with my imaginary Manolo Blanik!
Happy? Really? Hm...if I'm not happy, I get to blame my spouse, take away his happy and obliterate my kids' happy. I'm sorry. I just don't follow. I don't. I thought we were responsible for ourselves, our attitudes, and behaviors. What pressure it would be for my husband if he thought he had to make me happy. What pressure it would be on me to think I was responsible for his happiness. I truly hope that my love for him (verb form, folks) makes him happy. I do. But that's not why I love him. I love him because I promised I would. I love him completely and with utter imperfection. I know that I have totally f.a.i.l.e.d. to make Big happy. If his happiness is a by-product of working on my marriage, great. But that was never required when we signed on the dotted line. We have an imperfect love, marriage, relationship, and certainly we are imperfect parents. But we didn't vow to be perfect. We vowed to be persistent.
I will continue to love on my friends who make the "happy" decision. I don't condone it. I don't agree with it. And it tears me up inside because of the fallout toward the other spouse and the kids. But I believe in grace, and I know that just as I don't deserve His grace and mercy, I must give grace and mercy--it's part of loving after all--even when I don't think they're "deserved". Because they never are.
And I will pray for marriages today. Those of now, those to come, and those which seem broken beyond repair due to unhappiness. As my friend John says: "Grace, always grace."
SDG!
11 comments:
I hear ya. I have four friends right now who are teetering on the brink of divorce (one was actually served with papers last month) and it breaks my heart.
In three of those cases, it's more about "happiness" and them just not feelin' it.
It grieves me, too.
Amen, I am in total agreement with you dear.
I am SO with you on this. We've had two couples friends over the past two years part for this same exact "He/She does not make me happy anymore" business.
I would add that very often, the one feeling that the spouse no longer makes THEM happy is often not willing to put the effort in to improving things on their end of the relationship, and things go south from there.
I think this "happiness" line of reasoning is a total cop-out. And the thing that makes me feel even more sad is that the divorce rates among couples where both are Christians are now equal with everyone else. It's like nobody commits anymore, you know? Where is the testimony in that? The perseverance? The example that folks could be to the younger generations in their old age? It's like people 'try on' marriage, wear it a while and then take it back when it doesn't 'fit' like it did at first.
Sad thing is, it's like you start over at square one with each new relationship, rather than get close to that deep intimacy that folks crave, which only comes with years of honing and fine-tuning a relationship. Good marriages take a lot of work on both parts, and hanging in there when times get tough is key.
I make it a point to always congratulate folks on their anniversaries. To celebrate marriage. To talk it up with younger folks, letting them know it's WORTH the hard work, and that marriages truly do get 'golden' with age so long as both parties are continuing to put the other person before themselves.
**steps down off of soapbox**
Great post.
soo sad. I completely agree.
"I spit on you and grind you into the dirt with my imaginary Manolo Blanik!" I know this post is much deeper than what I just re-quoted from you, but that was friggin' hilarious. No wonder Big wants to be married to you and your imaginary size 0 body with triple D breasts. You're awesome!!!!!!!
This always gets me too. It seems like there's always a couple in our community getting divorced just because they've fallen "out of love" or that they aren't "happy" anymore. Marriage is work, it's commitment, it's sticking with someone who really pisses you off a lot of the time. We live in an easy come, easy go...it's not my fault...culture in so many ways (not just in regard to marriage) and that really bothers me.
I love this post, and your attitude!
-whoops, spell check-
I never take divorce well. It feels like death to me...
I've reached 'that age' too- where people are chucking their marriages in pursuit of happiness.
makes me put on my crazy eyes, too.
Oh how I hear you sweet lady.
I have heard..."I don't feel fulfilled", "I get bored", "I need my space", "I am not happy and I need someone who will MAKE me happy"...oh wow. The worst part? There were small kids affected by this selfishness.
It is sad beyond words...and it happens far, far too often.
I love how you write dear Gretchen and I love your heart and your mind. You are amazing.
Love,
Sue
I see so many people in their 30s and 40s who have never married b/c they're so reluctant to put someone else first and be unselfish. It's uncomfortable and requires them to not be #1. After a lifetime of being the head honcho, I can understand how this can be a little scary. Then you hear excuses like what you've mentioned. To the rest of us, they seem like just that -- excuses. It's not a comment that reflects a true effort to put the other person first and put self last. It's still "me" thinking and not "we" thinking.
If people cannot transition their thinking from "me" to "we" during the time they are dating, it can be an indicator of potential problems down the road. How scary to know just how many marriages have two separate people in them instead of two people who have truly become one flesh!
Thanks for this post - I completely agree with you.
I loved this part of your post - "We didn't vow to be perfect. We vowed to be persistent."
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