Howdy! I always look forward to Tuesdays...seems sometimes they are the only day which has me blogging. Trying to find that balance between saying something meaningful on some level (even if that level is silly and goofy) and just writing to write so I'll receive some comments. I don't believe anyone who says they don't write, at least in some small part, to receive comments. :) With that weird intro, I'll get on to my gladdies of the week.
As I've written today's post, it's gotten so long that I'll just stop at one gladdy. It has to do with my daughter.
I am glad for a pillow talk routine my daughter and I can both live with. I know I ended that sentence incorrectly for writing. But it's okay for the way I talk. And since we're all just chatting here...Oh? The point? The point is, I am not a night owl. And for years, I've lived by the axiom that by 7:30, all children should be put away for the evenings, so that parenting can commence in the morning. However, now that my children are older, I blame well meaning folks, like my church, for having activities beyond that hour of the evening. By 10 pm, I turn into a pumpkin, and my daughter doesn't realize this. She wants to talk and talk and talk and talk at our tuck in time, and I have found myself resentful and doing things like praying fast, kissing her and running out the door because I want to get to bed. Mature, huh? And selfless, too.
The trouble is. I know this is wrong. I know that even though she has numerous opportunities to chat with me during the after school ride home--we are usually 1:1--and the early evening. This simply isn't enough for her right now. She needs more. And I need to meet those needs, but also have some boundaries (Oh, just as a parenthetical aside, boundaries are relatively new to me--I've just learned about them in the last 5 years, so I'm not an expert--thank God for Cloud and Townsend) for myself so that I don't feel resentful.
I know you're dying to know what we did to resolve this situation. And so far, it IS working beautifully, if I say so myself.
I finally asked my dtr to help me help her. We prayed. And then, I asked her to forgive me for my bolting behaviors, and to help me come up with something that we could both live with at bed time. I told her that I loved her so much, but that by 9:00 I had a hard time wanting to be a patient listener, simply because my day was so close to being over, and my ears and body were tired. I also told her that I wanted to hear all that was on her heart because I remember what it felt like to be a middle schooler. Thankfully, she's a forgiving daughter (in between being 11 and all), and quite smart, so this plan is mainly hers. I agreed to it, and bedtimes are still a longer process than I'd prefer, but much more "reasonable". She gets heard, and I get to go to bed.
Our plan is simple: I to come into her room, and rather than starting to pray and tuck right away, I'm to ask if there's anything on her mind and give adequate pause time for her response.
So that's what I'm glad about today. In case you were wondering. ;)
10 comments:
Thanks for reminding that it's ok to be human with our kids. I forget that I don't have to be perfect mom all the time. When I am honest and give my girls the respect of my honesty, they always understand so much better.
I love this for lots of reasons:
1) Because you're honest.
2) Because I'm a bedtime dasher...especially when Grey's Anatomy is coming on.
3) Because I feel guilty about the dashing when McDreamy is doing somthing dreamy.
4) Because I know one day these days will be gone and that my kids will not want to talk to me and that I will be begging them for a 5 minute conversation.
5) Because you write like you speak...just like I do. With no worries about proper sentence structure (thanks for that, really!).
6) Because I lurve you.
From one dasher to the other....I love you.
I too dread the bedtime routine because that's when all the "emotional" stuff happens at our house. Bedtime is when we get scared or miss puppies given away. Or when we need extra hugs or "encouragement" as they like to say....
Oh, sometimes its just exhausting...and yet I always want to know their sweet hearts. I REALLy do.
Ok that's all...
Oh! Except God Bless Cloud and Townsend! Good, good books!
Love that you just encouraged this fellow "dasher" to make the most of these years.
Love you. Why couldn't we live just a LITTLE bit closer???? Cause I could use me some Gretchen in the flesh on a regular basis. (In a non-stalker like way, of course.)
Oh and thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one who is trying to find that balance in meaningful posts.:)
We take turns at bedtime, and you know what makes my heart happy? When it's Dad's turn and they still want me to come in for the goodnight kiss.
And I think because I haven't done the "have you brushed your teeth, gone to the bathroom, picked up the floor" routine, those off nights when I can just sit in the dark and snuggle up for a minute are precious indeed.
Bless your tender loving heart.
Looks like we're all in the same Parenting Boat with this one my friend!!
And, I echo all the commenters too, guilt/dashing/emotional stuff/etc...
I'm proud of you for recognizing finding something works and doing it..J will remember that. That you made a special effort for her...she will.
You, my sweet, are precious to me.
I can be a bedtime dasher, especially on Tuesday nights. We set up similar boundaries. Ours were based on the fact that one of my kids kept coming up with random questions for mom, otherwise known as stalling. Now I say, "you can ask me one more question before I turn out the light, so think about it and make it a good one." This has stopped the "mom, um,,,,, ummm.... how long have you had those pj's?" kind of questions.
You're a good mom ... especially if this weighs on your heart. Thanks for being honest.
This is GOOD stuff, Gretchen. I love it. Boundaries are good things.
As I was reading through this, I thought about maybe giving my own 11 year old daughter a notebook. She's good at expressing herself that way. My thought was that maybe in addition to the bedtime conversations, we might could keep an ongoing journal. She might ask me a question on one page and I could write a response on another and keep passing it back and forth--an ongoing conversation with each of us asking questions/talking/etc.
I might try it...but after I set some boundaries at bedtime. I'm a dasher too...
*raises hand* add me to your club, Gretchen.
three cheers for you for making something workable for all.
and for inspiring me to do the same!
*huzzah!*
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