Last Friday was Big's 41st b'day. I surprised him by asking another couple to dinner at a favorite restaurant for his b'day, so we had fun dining with them. I shared with Big (because he's a man, and a g.o.o.d. man, but still doesn't remember important things) that 20 years ago, I did the same thing. A surprise party at a restaurant. There were a few more friends and we were...ahem...much younger, but still. Being the introvert that he is, I think getting a surprise at 21 and 41 is about his speed. Then, the day after his b'day (yesterday), he went to China.
I try to be a biggest girl whilst he's away. Really, I do. It's just...I don't do it well. I'm okay with the one.less.person.to.cook.for. idea, as well as the looser schedule. But I'm not one who does well with this change every 3 weeks. And I don't like having him gone. I try. I pray. I try some more. I try to get out of God's way. But the truth is...I just miss him and want him here. Yes, the petulant 5 year old in me--sometimes she's more evident than at others, but she's always here--can't quite see why I can't have my cake and eat it, too. There are no support groups specifically for those of us with spouses who travel--unless for example, you're in the same boat with a bunch of others like those who live on or near a military base when their spouses are on deployment. Not comparing myself or my angst with anyone of that situation, except to say that when my husband is away, all my friends' husbands are home, and so we don't really do much in the way of socializing until mine comes back (at least as families). Also, as much as I love the fact that we have emailing and texting and phone calls, our relationship seems reduced to 5 minute soundbites here and there. We don't go too terribly deep on conversations because of the time change. He's tired or I'm tired, or he's running to work, calling me on the fly. He's makes a very good effort at communicating. It's just different than being together.
The problem with all this? He loves and feels challenged by what he does, and it pays him enough that I can stay home. Dilemma, anyone? So...I'm working on this friends. Little by little. The truth is, I'm well OVER his going to China. Beyond finished with it. But...he still needs to go. About once a month. So, I strategize and pray. Strategize with ways to fill my time to occupy the family and me without doing too much or too little, and of course trying to build up appreciation for rather than resentment of Big during this time away from each other. Plan outings. Plan hobbies. Plan a sitter now and then. Pray for peace. At times, though, it's overwhelming.
So, I could belly ache and rhine (rant+whine) all day, but I want to do something a bit more constructive. Help! What do you do when you m.u.s.t. wear your big girl panties and it's a task that you loathe doing? Do you turn that loathe into like? How do you avoid the pitfalls of resentment when your spouse does something that you wish he wouldn't do? How do you turn that frown upside down. I feel like Paul's description in Romans--I know what I need to do, and still fall short. I spin my wheels at times, and that doesn't help anyone. Yes, I pray. Yes, I read the Word. But, when I'm in "the waiting", I still have to live life. How do you cope with this?
Or am I nuts?
I thought so.
For some reason, Blogger is not allowing me to make paragraphs, so you'll just have to cope with everythingrunningtogethersotospeak.
Soli Deo Gloria!
