Confessing...

Lord, I confess to you that I've been avoiding and hoarding. Which is to say, I've taken control over my life, and left You behind...out of fear...yes, but that's a cop-out. I've laid aside my trust in You. And in laying aside the trust, the modicum of self control I ever had over any thing is gone.

...instead of starting each day quietly with You...I get to you "a little later". After a bit of coffee and a bit of blog reading. Avoiding.

...instead of looking forward to my times alone or with girlfriends, I feel like they're never enough. And resent the times I'm back in the saddle. For the break was never enough. Like I'll never get another chance to be away from challenging day-to-day daily-ness of life. Hoarding.

...instead of giving you a shout out...I shout at my kids. Or snipe. Avoiding You.

...instead of getting satisfaction at a job well done in cleaning, organizing, mothering, repeat...I avoid all but the necessary tasks. Griping along the way. Work avoiding.

...instead of eating in a self controlled manner, to fuel and love my body...I eat too much sugar, and avoid cooking meals if at all possible. Avoiding. Hoarding.

...I was never taught consistency (she whines)...so it's hard for me to stay on a schedule, put God first, and gut up to responsibility day-by-day-by-day. (Whining further) I have baggage...Poor me. Avoiding.

So, God, I apologize for this. There's really no reason for me to post this on my blog, except that just posting gives me a modicum of concrete accountability. The book I just finished, was such a
gut punch, Lord. I think it no coincidence that I found a copy to read. Life is for living. It is dirty, thanks to Original sin, and thanks to my own sin. It is hard work. Whether charmed or not. And each day...a gift from You. Thank You for the epiphany, gob-smack, 2 x4....whatever. Thank You. I hated every minute of this self reflection except that it brought me back to You. Right where I long, oh, I long to be. Help me to be "strong in the broken places", Lord. Forgive me for pushing you aside. Thank You for your infinite patience, love, and parenting. Thank You for not giving up on me, when I fall so short. Sometimes I really need a parent to "tell me what to do". You do. If only I will listen. And obey.

Listening. And...God help me...obeying one minute at a time.

In Jesus' name. Amen.

Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV)
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easiliy entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.